30 Day Challenge - Day 14
A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
My dad.
My dad.
I guess the most frightening part about with this one is that it's actually a reality... there will be, at some point, a time when I won't have my dad around. A reality that, frankly, has been a little too close for comfort recently.
Past: There was a time when I really, truly thought that I'd never speak to my dad again. That he'd hurt me enough and I didn't want to have anything to do with him ever again. I remember distinctly being the most heartbroken because I felt that he'd given up his chance to be the one to walk me down the aisle. But hearts change, people change, God intervenes and we find that we're able to forgive someone that means the world to us...
Our childhood heroes aren't always who we build them up to be.
Our parents turn out to be human and make mistakes.
The scars and bruises left behind by others and our own decisions shape who we become.
And it turns out that it's okay... if we don't let it ruin us.
It turned out that within a mess, I got a pretty amazing brother and sister. They make my life better by just having them around. I can't picture not having them in my life either... which is why my life just wouldn't be the same without my dad being my dad- and everything that comes with it.
Present: My dad is sick. He has myleodysplastic disorder, which is basically the front-runner to leukemia. The clinical nature of it all makes me feel sort of numb every time I say it. But it means that despite having a 94 year old grandmother, I probably won't get to keep him that long. It means that while I think myself independent, I'm realizing how often I call him when something is broken, how often I need help and guidance with so much, how much advice I get in our conversations, and how much I still need to hear him say that he loves me and he's proud of me.
I'm not ready yet.
Future: I want him to walk me down the aisle. I want him to be a grandfather. I want him to see the twins graduate from high school, so I don't have to be the one to remind them of what a great man he was. And maybe, just maybe, when it is time for him to go- he'll know what I know.
1 comment:
I probably don't deserve everything you say, but it still warms my heart to hear it. You don't know the anguish of lying awake in the early morning and trying to deal with all the things you won't get to do. Then you just focus on what you are going to do tomorrow, and try to remember to tell the people you love that you love them....Dad.
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